Gender and sexuality... whats it all about???

August 31, 2017

This is a subject that has over the last couple of years nagged at me.... im 37 and still a virgin.......doesnt bother me anywhere near as much as it seems to bother my cousins or nephew, my sisters might be at odds with it, I'm not sure, as for my mum i ave no idea what she makes of it

 

BUT IT DOESNT BOTHER ME!!!!! that to me is the most important part, human contact freaks me out, so I'm not bout to start shagging women, or men for that matter

 

And its that fact that draws me to this topic, im unsure of my sexuality, I know I'm not gay, penis' do nothing for me, but at the same time I don't really associate myself as straight, I know I'm male, but I don't really do male things, sport generally bores me, recently even gaming has bored me, I sit down when using the loo, even if going for a pee, bout the only male thing I do that is to grow a beard, but again, I do not do it because I'm a male that can grow 1, I do it as something to hide behind, after all most people, male or female don't like long beards, so it's like a defence system, ensuring no-one get close enough to me to result in human contact.

 

Can you see where im coming from here?

 

C like watching porn, but only lesbian porn, i do not watch it to get off or anything like that, but merely as the act of human love. I do not wish I was there taking part in the act or anything, 

 

I admire the female form in all its glory, but again not as something I wanna touch, just gaze upon, in an artistic way. And my idea of a woman is diff to most other mens, I like toned, not muscular but athletic, almost showing a 6-pack, small breasts......the total opposite of Kim K!

 

Maybe the decade or more I spent catfishing has warped how I view myself or maybe it was really what i am truly like. Could I be a female in a mans body? but for that female to be a lesbian? I'm not sure

 

I am very confused... and confusing, I have dated, but never got intimate not even hugs or kisses, it really does freak the living hell out of me

 

Another view could be that I'm gender neutral, which tbh is what I'm leaning more towards, I hide behind my male appearance,

 

1 image always seems to spring to mind though, and that is Marilyn Mansons Mechanical Animals image, that of a 'alien' being with breasts but no genitalia  

 

 

This is kinda how I feel right now, I could easily chop my bits off and live gender neutral, but what would my family and society in general think to such a thing? especially in a world where being trans is still stigmatised (hello Mr Trump!)

 

 

Maybe l need counselling for this, I'm not sure, I have enough on my plate atm with my schizophrenia and depression, for my cpn to ave this on her plate too

 

 

Anyway rant over, if you read this, and know me, how do you identify me? male/gay/straight/bi

 

 

 

 

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