A long time ago (well 1987) in a galaxy far far away....... there was a mum dad son and 2 daughters..... this is my family, or atleast it was until 1989, when something major happened.
My dad died,
Tbh I cant remember much about that time, other then not crying or mourning at all, years later I'v realised this was a mistake (dont get me wrong i couldn't help not crying, I just don't show emotions very well) it didn't really hit me till I was about 16, or atleast that's when my depression started, and when people decided that's when I started to mourn
At 1st it was just depression, yea yea, I'm 16 and depressed, nothing mayor, other than trying to commit suicide the day before my gcse's started, I couldn't handle it, I tried to overdose on about 5 procycladine pills (anti depressants), yea I thought that would work, it didn't, I went and did my gcse's and did fairly well, got a job, depression ended,.....
Or so i thought
My 2nd job freaked the hell out of me so again I tried to commit suicide the night before I started, this time I thought drowning would be better, this time my natural survival instinct kicked in, I went to bed got up in the morning and thought nothing of it, the job turned out OK, i made a few friends, years after leaving i found out some friends could of been more than friends
It was about 5 years later when depression raised its head again, my 3rd job was very stressful, I didn't really get on with people, it was a night job, and trust me there's something bout working nights that affects you differently, i went to the Dr, he put me back on meds, they didn't work, so tried 3 or 4 others of various strengths, but by this time it was too later, I'd started to hear voices too, VERY dark voices, telling me I was useless, hopeless, deserved to die, that I should kill myself, that my family wanted me dead, this ontop on feeling like this anyway, I saw a CPN, she was great, got a diagnosis of schizo-affective disorder and depression
I finally knew what was wrong with me, but was it because of dad dying? to this day i think not, that is the lazy way out.
I lost my job due to having too much time off with the depression, things got worse, I became totally recluse (things still not much better now) my diagnosis went to full blown schizophrenia with psychotic depression
I started to see things...... yea, that wasn't a good thing, imagine the films Constantine and Dan Browns Inferno,
I was seeing hellish visions on literally hell on earth, everything on fire, people were just like those goggle dolls that artists use to sketch people, just sausage shapes with no faces, yet these people were talking to me
This is around about the time my other blogs kick in, the catfishing to cope with my hell of a life, then the eventual breakdown
But now I'm on an up, my voices are now my companions, yes still horrible voices, but I feel complacent knowing they are there, they are like family now
I do not know why I'v done this blog, but i feel i had to explain the reasoning behind doing this site, I do no wish for your sympathy, tho any understanding will be greatly appreciated.
I have since learnt that schizophrenia is caused by an overload of dopamine in the brain, at normal levels its warns people of danger and so forth, but at my levels everything becomes bad, and dangerous, and evil and scary and the brain turns these signs into something our person can handle, in voices