My perception of time... is it a reality?!
Well it's been a a few years now since bad things happened, almost 3 whole years of freedom, 3 full years of saying I'm gonna do this, this is gonna change, I'm not gonna make the same mistakes again....
BUT, exactly what has changed? granted as far as I'm aware I'm not making the same mistakes again, my head seems clearer than before, I know what's good and bad for me, BUT have I really progressed? this is a big question, and I'm afraid to say, no, I don't think i have, certainly not much anyway.
I'm afraid I'v fallen back on my usual friend, the computer, and its glorious internet, I seem to have abandoned gaming on consoles in favor for PC gaming, not because its better, but now, because it's a format I can record on... for the sake of growing my channel, another internet thing!!
How has this affected me as a person? all-in-all its as if time hasn't altered, or changed, or even advanced in it's linear timeline...
There are times I think the year of hell I went through didn't in fact happen, I seem to of forgotten the lessons learnt, forgotten the hardship of the time, in fact, I seem to be going backwards!
So is this a reality I'm willing to accept? do I want to be this person? NO, of course I don't, can I change? I FEAR CHANGE!!!!, it is the unknown future that I find uncertain, and tbh quite scary
I'm not saying i'm going to do the things I was doing, I don't intend on going back there... but moving forward is a struggle,
And so to this I ask myself....what am I going to do about it? for now nothing... babysteps! all I can do is avoid doing what I'v done in the past to my fullest effort, and hope that by avoidance i can get through this.